This feeling, or rather the lack of feeling is frightening. It's nothing as its described. Instead of pain there is an unrelenting numbness and tingling feeling throughout my entire body although I know I don't have a body anymore. It's as if my body is trying to exist but simply doesn't. The best way I can describe it is like when you sleep on your arm and it goes numb and it doesn't feel like a part of you anymore and the feeling travels back into it slowly returning it back to normal as it was before, except in my case the feeling never fully returns just... numbness. I would welcome a little pain to be honest just something, anything. Although there's no pain this is the worst thing I've ever experienced. It's so dark its indescribable
I was sitting in my office chair that I had bought for three bucks from a thrift shop in my room. I haven't left this room for almost three and a half weeks, that's a new record. Every once in a while my mom tries to get me out of my room by knocking on the door for almost an hour at a time. She doesn't know how I feel... nobody does. I wasn't like this before “that” It's all because of her, that bitch. Although she's only ever shown herself as a little girl I know that she, no IT is a monster beyond human comprehension. Anyway I'm getting off topic, as I was saying. I was sitting on the computer writing my blog of 10,000 “fans” although they aren't real fans they're all just sheep to the system who can't actually see whats actually happening to themselves and the world they live in. I write religiously about how I feel and about the toll that “that” had on me though never getting into detail about “her”, you're probably wondering what “That” is huh? Well I might as well tell you, why not. Three years ago I had beautiful girlfriend she was the love of my life. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Her name was Sam, she had thick red hair, amazing smooth pale white skin and she was so lovable and funny but... then she got sick, really, really sick. Non-Hodgkin lymphoma the doctor said. Even the way I am today isn't even comparable to how I felt that day it was the worst day of my life by far. The doctor pulled me to the side and told me that over a hundred thousand people died from this kind of cancer last year and that the likelihood of survival was slim. Yeah that doctor was quite frank, I like that, no garbage, straight to the point. Just the memory of her body deteriorating is nightmare inducing. Anyway I might as well get to the part where “she” comes in, I'm sure you're curious by now. It had been a month and a half after Sam was diagnosed and her condition was just getting worse and worse. It was ten o'clock and I just got home. the nurses finally decided kick me out after being there all day and yelling for the nurses every time a machine made a sound that I didn't think was right even though it was normal for the machines to make those noises. After getting home and getting in and out of the shower I went to my room and cried again just like I did the day before and the day before that. As I laid in bed and cried I prayed to god to please help Sam and make her better I knew it wasn't going to work. I had always been a strong atheist but I wasn't in a good place at the time. As I was thinking and uselessly praying to god I suddenly felt the worst fear I've ever felt in my life, I couldn't even move. I felt the presence of something not human, it was like standing in front of a 12 foot tall polar bear that hasn't eaten for a year I knew if I wasn't careful I could easily die. After five or six seconds I just started uncontrollably shaking but I could move but just barely. I slowly pulled the covers over my face and closed my eyes and stayed like that for at least twenty minutes. The feeling didn't go away not even slightly. I can't say I worked up the courage to take my head out from under the covers I just wanted the feeling to stop. I shakily pulled the covers off my face and saw “her” standing there. She was a little girl with short black hair in dirty pink pajamas and she clutched a small tattered teddy bear in her arms. The feeling of dread I'd felt before skyrocketed it made me physically sick I wanted to throw up then pass out and then die. I meant to ask who she was in a forceful and loud manner but what came out was nothing but a halfhearted whimper. The feeling was becoming too much for me so I stared to cry silently to myself and I started to pull the covers over my head and then she said something. I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or not. Then she said it again in a whisper “I can save her”. The feeling i had completely subsided and I felt numb and tingly. I Said “what?” in a low breathy voice. She said it for a third time “I can save her”. I don't know why but I completely believed her. “How” I said. “I only need one thing” she says. She then starts to rattle off in tongues i couldn't understand a word of it, she said “mox rei vis erit. suus 'requiritur quod tota tua est anima pueri mei”. I don't know why but all i remember is Asking her to get rid of the cancer at all costs and then she started to smirk and the smirk slowly spread into a hug grin from ear to ear and then i blacked out. I awoke the next morning to my mother coming in the room crying i asked her what was wrong and all she could say was “I'm sorry” I kept asking her what was wrong already knowing what she was going to say and she said “it's Sam, i just got a call from the hospital. They say she died from complications due to the chemotherapy”. I just sat there in awe with my eyes wide open and tears running down my face and my mouth wide open. I immediately thought to the night before and thought it must have been a nightmare. I stayed home and cried for hours I didn't leave my room for a day and a half, until my mother was knocking on my door for the third time that day and usually what she says is all trash but this time what she said caught my attention “during the autopsy they didn't find any cancer in her body whatsoever” she said. So it wasn't a dream, well at least I'm not crazy. It's all “her” fault. I've never hated someone so much but I've also never feared someone so much. To sum up the rest of the story I was a shut-in for three years life just dragged on and on. I didn't enjoy living, although my old life seems pretty good right now. Anyway last night i got a little... visit. As always I was sitting in my room and laying in my bed thinking about what I always think about, Sam. Then I suddenly felt a feeling of dread far worse then before. This time I could feel the intent to harm and just being in the very presence of her is enough to turn the toughest of people into children. I couldn't move at all just like before except time time it didn't let up and I could see her standing there. I hear the feint sound of laughter, the laughter of a little girl. It started sounding like there were more than one person in the room all different tones and pitches until they all morphed into one booming laugh. The utter terror I felt is indescribable. I know I keep saying indescribable but that's all this is, it can't be put into words. She suddenly stopped laughing and I blinded through the tears and she was beside my face in an instant still unable to move I wanted to yell “what do you want” but I couldn't even do that. She seemed to read my mind and start whispering in my ear in the same dialect as she was speaking in before. “mox rei vis erit. suus 'requiritur quod tota tua est anima pueri mei” she said it over and over again and slowly I could hear another voice going in sync with what she was saying “mox rei vis erit. suus 'requiritur quod tota tua est anima pueri mei there is only one thing that is required, your soul my child ” “mox rei vis erit. suus 'requiritur quod tota tua est anima pueri mei there is only one thing that is required, your soul my child ” “mox rei vis erit. suus 'requiritur quod tota tua est anima pueri mei there is only one thing that is required, your soul my child ”. I finally understood what she was saying. This was always going to happen. She screwed me over and now I have to pay for it we did make a deal. And that's how I ended up here... this is hell.